The Road To Suboxone....Part II
The beginning of the end.....
I suspect, for the most part, anyone who were to find this blog would have been searching the internet for “SUBOXONE” because it seems to be the latest fix for us addicts…
I began my Suboxone treatment in April of 2003. After a four-year love affair with percocets and oxycontin, I finally reached my bottom… Although the actual “love” had ended quite some time ago, the affair had continued. Not only had I succeeded in wiping out a quite substantial bank account, by my addiction also took away my values, morals and especially my freedom. I no longer had the choice of whether to use or not, it had become my prison. Besides all the lying I was doing, I was also ransacking anyone’s medicine cabinet and taking money from others without their knowledge, I also became too good at justifying any of my unconscionable behavior. I was no longer my parents daughter or my children’s mother. I was a junkie without question.
I cannot even count how many times in that 4-year period when I tried to quit the pills. Whether cold turkey taking the “weaning” route, it was never to be where I could completely detox. Even thru the days of screaming in pain, puking my guts out, crying out to God and sleepless nights, I would never reach the point where I could function normally. So even after I had convinced myself that I could make it, I never got a clear picture of that light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I never even saw the slightest ray of hope. So sometimes after as much as 4 days of detoxing, I would promptly return to my pills. After all, I could no long “not function”….I was a mother for God’s sake! I had to use in order to mother my children. See? The insanity is much clearer today. The viscous cycle.
No one, and truly mean no one, knew of my pill habit. Neither my closest friend, the love of my life, my father, nor my kids had ever suspected a thing. I guess they just chalked my mood swings and much erratic behavior up to emotional instability. Which was fine by me. Just as long as no one knew I was using drugs, it was okay that I would lay in bed for days at a time when there was only a few oxys left in the bottom of that bottle. I thought it was fine that they walked on egg shells, thinking that I was just emotionally insane. Just as long as no one knew……..
But then came a day when I could no longer take the pain, emotionally I mean. I had plenty of pills to last me thru the next few days. So why it was that particular day that I reached out for help I could only contribute to a divine intervention.
I began making phone calls from the Yellow Pages. I called addiction hot-lines, rehabs, AA, NA, and anyone else I could think of that would tell me that there was a cure for this. I didn’t want to go thru withdrawals again. I could not possibly sign myself into any type of “in patient” rehab/program. After all, I was sure that someone would be knocking on the door any day now to present me with my “MOTHER OF THE YEAR” award. I had every excuse in the world NOT to quit. And anyone who was listening to me on the other end of that phone, who knew anything about addicts, was sure to be saying to themselves, “This girl just isn’t ready”……..
But I proceeded to dial and dial and dial. And finally, I spoke to a woman who mentioned, Buprenorphine. She didn’t know many details about this latest drug, but she gave me the telephone number of a doctor in my area that may be able to answer them. She didn’t know about the website www.naabt.org which would have helped me tremendously at the time.
When I called this doctor, it was the doctor himself who answered the phone. I thought that was a bit strange. But hey, who was I to question anyone? After listening to his explanation of fees (which he immediately spouted off to me), he then pressed me for an appointment date and time. As I slowly regained my composure from the shock of his intial fees and the subsequent fees afterwards, I began to ask him questions about Suboxone. He told me that he would answer all of my questions at my first appointment. So I made the appointment, feeling very uneasy with the entire conversation. It had nothing to do with backing out of treatment. No siree, I was ready. It was interest in my financial commitment to him, and his pressing for my first appointment that had me very leery. Why couldn’t he answer at least some of my questions without that intial $400 in his pocket? Hmmmm……
I began my Suboxone treatment in April of 2003. After a four-year love affair with percocets and oxycontin, I finally reached my bottom… Although the actual “love” had ended quite some time ago, the affair had continued. Not only had I succeeded in wiping out a quite substantial bank account, by my addiction also took away my values, morals and especially my freedom. I no longer had the choice of whether to use or not, it had become my prison. Besides all the lying I was doing, I was also ransacking anyone’s medicine cabinet and taking money from others without their knowledge, I also became too good at justifying any of my unconscionable behavior. I was no longer my parents daughter or my children’s mother. I was a junkie without question.
I cannot even count how many times in that 4-year period when I tried to quit the pills. Whether cold turkey taking the “weaning” route, it was never to be where I could completely detox. Even thru the days of screaming in pain, puking my guts out, crying out to God and sleepless nights, I would never reach the point where I could function normally. So even after I had convinced myself that I could make it, I never got a clear picture of that light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I never even saw the slightest ray of hope. So sometimes after as much as 4 days of detoxing, I would promptly return to my pills. After all, I could no long “not function”….I was a mother for God’s sake! I had to use in order to mother my children. See? The insanity is much clearer today. The viscous cycle.
No one, and truly mean no one, knew of my pill habit. Neither my closest friend, the love of my life, my father, nor my kids had ever suspected a thing. I guess they just chalked my mood swings and much erratic behavior up to emotional instability. Which was fine by me. Just as long as no one knew I was using drugs, it was okay that I would lay in bed for days at a time when there was only a few oxys left in the bottom of that bottle. I thought it was fine that they walked on egg shells, thinking that I was just emotionally insane. Just as long as no one knew……..
But then came a day when I could no longer take the pain, emotionally I mean. I had plenty of pills to last me thru the next few days. So why it was that particular day that I reached out for help I could only contribute to a divine intervention.
I began making phone calls from the Yellow Pages. I called addiction hot-lines, rehabs, AA, NA, and anyone else I could think of that would tell me that there was a cure for this. I didn’t want to go thru withdrawals again. I could not possibly sign myself into any type of “in patient” rehab/program. After all, I was sure that someone would be knocking on the door any day now to present me with my “MOTHER OF THE YEAR” award. I had every excuse in the world NOT to quit. And anyone who was listening to me on the other end of that phone, who knew anything about addicts, was sure to be saying to themselves, “This girl just isn’t ready”……..
But I proceeded to dial and dial and dial. And finally, I spoke to a woman who mentioned, Buprenorphine. She didn’t know many details about this latest drug, but she gave me the telephone number of a doctor in my area that may be able to answer them. She didn’t know about the website www.naabt.org which would have helped me tremendously at the time.
When I called this doctor, it was the doctor himself who answered the phone. I thought that was a bit strange. But hey, who was I to question anyone? After listening to his explanation of fees (which he immediately spouted off to me), he then pressed me for an appointment date and time. As I slowly regained my composure from the shock of his intial fees and the subsequent fees afterwards, I began to ask him questions about Suboxone. He told me that he would answer all of my questions at my first appointment. So I made the appointment, feeling very uneasy with the entire conversation. It had nothing to do with backing out of treatment. No siree, I was ready. It was interest in my financial commitment to him, and his pressing for my first appointment that had me very leery. Why couldn’t he answer at least some of my questions without that intial $400 in his pocket? Hmmmm……
posted by SuboxoneMom @ 4:25 AM
3 Comments:
It's amazing how you can find yourself so far down a road you had no idea you were even on. This is a new concept for me, and I find it very unsettling. I'm amazed by how much you've been able to keep pulling yourself back onto a path that you choose. That takes so much strength, and ultimatel so much optimism.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Even though the details of our experiences may be different, I get so much from the courage and experiences of others.
Wow, that was a powerful read for me. I suppose because it sounds pretty much exactly like my story. I could offer you all those corny cliche sayings and words of encouragement and it would make you feel a bit better, but only for a moment. So I won't do that. I will tell you I'm here for you if you ever need a fellow recovering addict. And I mean that.
I was detoxed off Hydrocodone with Suboxone while in rehab, and it made a world of difference in how bad withdrawal is. I had done it once before cold turkey and knew the awfulness of it all. Before I got clean I researched Suboxone and was looking for a provider in my area (i live in the rural south) that could get me on it. (I couldn't ask for help from anyone either) My world got busted though, before I could ever begin. I don't know too much about long term use of the drug and I think that wouldn't work for me. I'd probably just become hooked to that too. I like being numb too much.
So glad you linked me. Thank you very much and have a Merry Christmas.
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