Returning To Work

Yep, I returned to work yesterday. Unfortunately the excitement of doing so has gone. I'm over it. One day there and I'm already wishing I was still out on disability............

Posted in: on Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at at 2:12 AM 2 comments Links to this post  

Finally...........

I was finally given the "go-ahead" to return to work. For some, dread may be the reaction. Not for me though. God knows I love my fiancee, but we have had enough of each other.

More later, here he comes! See? I'm running away from him these days.......
Not good............... :0(

Posted in: on Friday, February 27, 2009 at at 1:38 PM 0 comments Links to this post  

I am posting from my sick bed. Seems I have either slipped a disc or have some type of spinal spasms that have allowed me all this free time to scream in pain. Excruciating pain, btw.
Now for an opiate lover such as I, these so called muscle relaxers haven't done shit for me. So I suck it up, and scream it out. My poor youngest son is so afraid to even come within 10 feet of my bed for fear of him bumping the mattress and sending me into another fit of rage, anger, pain, and tears. There have been many, many tears this week.
SO I sit, and have a pity party for myself.
On the upside, Tim bought me a new cell phone. Titanium Voyager. Love it. Love it.
Well, feeling shitting, signing off!
Godspeed.
Janice

Posted in: on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at at 11:56 PM 0 comments Links to this post  


Well, I'm still here, and quite happy I might add. WTF? This is definitely NOT me. Not at this time of year.


Tim and I went out all day on Wednesday, Christmas shopping of all things! And I am proud to report that we had not ONE disagreement, argument, misunderstanding. Now that is big for us (or me, I should say).


This has been a tough year. My depression not only stayed with me throughout most of this past year, but it was the most debilitating depression I have experienced to date.


My youngest son turned 10 yesterday. I had the kitchen in full decorated mode so that when he woke up and came in for breakfast, he was surrounded by balloons, streamers, banners, etc. I haven't done that in years, for either child. I had his "goodie bags" ready by 6am so that he had them to pass out to his class ON his birthday. Last year, there were no "goodie bags". His mama took a mental vacation for that birthday.


And last Christmas, Tim had to actually shed a few tears of disgust in order for me to even contemplate putting up a Christmas tree. So I reluctantly got my fat ass out of bed on Christmas Eve morning, crawled in to the attic, threw down the decorations and threw up the tree within 15 minutes. When I think about it I could cry. How selfish I was. How depressed I was.


But you know what is even more amazing. As I write about my guilt, I am already in a phase where I refuse to let the guilt fester so that it gets so enormous in my own mind that I get a case of the fuck-its. I refuse to let guilt ruin my present or my future. It has already spent enough time ruining my past.


Now that, my dear friends, IS PROGRESS!


So fuck guilt! Bring it on baby! I ain't having none of that this time. No way, no how. You can try to ruin my holiday high, but you can't do it. So there!

Posted in: on Friday, December 19, 2008 at at 6:35 AM 0 comments Links to this post  





A new start.....again.


No, not because of relapse of drugs/alcohol. Not because of depression. But because it hit me today that I enjoy to write here. To put my thoughts down in writing, where I can express every emotion without worrying about how someone else may take my mood(s).


Here is where I feel, well, carefree.


But the BEST part of being here, writing here, is that when I am finished with a post, I ALWAYS feel better. Always.


I remember years ago, when harboring a resentment against someone I was sure was put on this earth only to aggravate me, my sponsor used to tell me to pray for that person. Of course, my usual response was something on the lines of, "Oh, I can pray for them all right! I can pray they run over by the first Mack truck that comes near them!".


When the thoughts of praying for a person seemed to be too much for me, she would suggest I write the ghost letter. Ya know, a nasty-gram to that person, getting out all of my frustrations without having to edit my language or hostility. Then I was NOT to send it. That was the part I never quite understood. Until I realized after writing my zillionth letter that I felt so much better when done with my poison penning.


But my main reason for writing again is because the holidays are upon us. And I do not do well with holidays. So far, so good. So instead of waiting for the doom to hit, I have decided to take a more productive approach and try and head off the depression. Not so much for me, but for my kids. They deserve to have all of me this year. Pray for me, and for them.


Lord, please allow my children to see the wonderful, spontaneous, loving, caring and giving mother that I know I can be.

Posted in: , , , , on Wednesday, December 10, 2008 at at 11:51 AM 1 comments Links to this post  

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