Well, its over.....Santa tiptoed right past me....again. I guess this "severe depression" is a true diagnosis because I haven't been out of bed since yesterday morning. I wouldn't have ventured out of bed then either, but my poor 8 year old was so excited and anxious to open his gifts that I didn't have to black heart to tell him to go ahead and open them without me. But I wanted to. So as paralyzed as I feel most of the time, I really can overcome it for a good reason.
The guilt I feel is enormous today. I did not go with my wonderful man to his parents house yesterday to celebrate the holiday. He knew better than to even ask me. He saw the absence in my eyes. That blank look I must have when I am not doing well.
I have finally filled my rx for the depression, despite my reluctance in taking this drug. Even though I specifically told NOT to research its effects on the net, I couldn't help myself. And of course I read every negative thing ever written about this drug and decided it wasn't worth the risk. Anything that has the possibility of helping me, I resist full-force. Why is it that I always look for an excuse NOT to get better?
Well, after the annual opening of gifts, doing the right amount of ooohing and aaahing over the little guy's gifts, I set myself up in bed, cigarettes, lighter, RedBull, and my laptop. And here I have been ever since......
I awoke at 5am, texted my man, and thought about the past few days. The self-loathing, guilt, shame and utter disgust with myself found me opening that brandy-new Rx in my purse and finally swallowing my first dose of what I hope to God will help me break free from this resistance of life I have.......
But I can't help asking, is this truly depression? Or is it a diagnosis my doctor gave me and I was just so relieved to know that I am only lazy and disconnected from life because I am ill? Is it just an excuse so that I can go on feeling this way and just put a name on it?
Just rambling.......and scrambling.
posted by SuboxoneMom @ 8:37 AM
2 Comments:
I hope you are feeling better now. What med did they put you on?
((((Subxone Mom)))))
What you're going through IS Real. Really really real, and it's horrible. Questioning whether what you're going through is real or if you're just lazy, or self indulgent, is Part Of The Disease of Depression. It's just that mental illness - depression - distorts our perception of reality, and so we question ourselves. It makes it hard to remember what it's like when we're NOT depressed, makes us think that this is our real nature and we should just suck it up and stop feeling sorry for ourselves.
The thing is, if we could do that, we would. I'm sure that at other times in your life you've maybe felt a bit down, or hurt about something, but you just shook it off, let it go and got on with it.
But that is not possible with depression. Sometimes we can heal from depression with enough time, rest, and good therapy and a strong support system. Other times, we need medication along with those other things. But we can't just "feel better" or any of those things we try to tell oursevles. And when we try to do that, we get worse and worse until we can't get out of bed.
Thank you for the support you've given me, over at my blog. I'd wondered where you'd gone, and I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through hell. I want to offer my support to you, in whatever way I can. I have depression too - double depression, major depression and chronic disthymia - so maybe I can relate.
I hope you find ways to be kind to yourself right now. If you're anything like me, you're finding plenty of stuff to beat yourself up about right now. But you don't deserve that at all. You deserve love, and support and time to heal. If good vibes can be sent through the internets, I'm sending them to you.
This comment is already way too long, but I was just wondering one thing - do you think your depression is related to stopping suboxone? I think you just tapered off not too long ago? I've heard that sometimes people get depressed after they taper off, and that going back on even a very small dose can be helpful. Maybe your brain needed more time to adjust? You know about the NAABT website, right? I think there are some people over there on the forums talking about similar issues with buprenorphine and depression. Just a thought - these are things I've been really interested in, because the suboxone seems to help my depression so much, and I'm worried about what will happen when I taper off - though my doctor says he believes some people need long term treatment.
Ok, sorry for the book. I hope you have a better day today, and I'll be thinking of you.
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