Long Story.......

So long that I may get bored actually writing it, but here goes nuttin…….

I ran out of meds, (Cymbalta) half way thru February with my Rx not able to be refilled until March 1st. Oh, I’m lying…. I could have it refilled, BUT I would have to pay out of pocket for it. My insurance co-pay is $90, so I wasn’t even going to bother asking how much it would be without my Rx plan.

See, the thing is, there is no way that I could have run out of meds mid-stream. I remember when I picked up the script at the end of January the bottle seemed to be a little empty. But hey, I was used to looking into pill bottles and ALWAYS feeling as though they were never full enough. So I let it go. Until about the 9th of February when I realized that I only had enough meds for about 5-6 more days. 2 capsules @ 30mg each.

So I go to my pharmacy. (BTW, this pharmacist knows I was on Suboxone for opiate abuse) and explained to him that there is no way I could have taken double doses for the past 9 days. He looked at me rather skeptically. THAT alone pissed me off. I went on to explain that the last time he filled the Rx, he gave me the actual bottle of Cymbalta. Since they are packaged @ 30 pills per bottle and he had to double that amount, he actually wrote in BIG BLACK LETTERS: QTY: 60.

So this past time he also gave me the actual bottle from the Cymbalta company. Only this time he didn’t write qty: 60.

He looks at me again, with some annoyance in his eyes! Then he tells me that there is no way HE made a mistake. Now mind you, he is a teeny-weeny pharmacy located in EastBumfuck, NJ. No chain drug store around for miles. He or his assistant HAND count the pills. I have never actually seen him do any counting. It’s always this young girl who barely speaks English, let alone can READ English!

Now, keep in mind that I am trying to remain calm. I approached him with a very friendly attitude, smiling and being very humble. With the smile beginning to fade, I go on to explain that I understand that he may feel that he never makes mistakes, but everyone makes mistakes once in a while…..right? He says, “Well, I don’t”!!!!!!!!!

Now, what could this man possibly think my motive would be to lie to him? I tell him that there is NO WAY I took double doses of meds each and every day by mistake. I explain to him that I couldn’t possibly have the urge to abuse anti-depressants! I mean, can he possibly think that I would actually have it my mind to double up my dose, just to see it would work twice as fast? Or would it make me twice as UN-Depressed? Really now?

So, he actually has the nerve to suggest that perhaps the other capsules are “rolling around in my purse”. Yeah…..uh….NO!

So as I am walking out the door, I turn back and told him that I felt it would be best if he checked his inventory against his dispensing records and keep me posted.

No, never heard from him. So I stopped the Cymbalta on February 15th and went thru 2 weeks without meds. Nothing horrible happened, although I was throwing up a lot from nausea. It never occurred to me that it could be withdrawal. I still don’t know if it was or not. But I do know that I was only on the meds for a month, so how bad could it have been to stop them cold turkey.

I had my meds filled again on March 1st. Although I felt no “mental” repercussions from stopping the meds at the time, I can tell the difference now that they are back in my system. I am up again. Out of bed. Not always happy about trying to be a productive citizen of society, but I find that I can actually push myself. Whereas before, when depression was at its worse, “pushing myself” was NOT an option.

Bottlecappie was right when she noted that sometimes we don’t want to do “it”, but we must push ourselves. I honestly believe that the meds give me at least the strength to want to push myself. I’m not saying it always works, but if it works only 50% of the time, for now….I’ll take it. Getting work/chores/tasks/commitments done 50% of the time is certainly better than NEVER being able to get them done, right?

When I really began to blog, in December, I noticed that writing helps me to vent, and to go over my day, see what I did wrong or right and learn from it.

But if I look back at February, it seems my writings dwindled just as my meds were wearing off? As I said, I didn’t notice any emotional difference then, but as I look back at those last 2 weeks I was definitely not feeling as I was the month prior to this situation.

Or is it all in my subconscience…. Scary thought.

I know how I am. More is always better when it came to my addictions. And the abuse always took something that started out so well and made it end so badly. Alcohol, drugs, marriages, potato chips, chocolate, etc.

Why can’t I be addicted to something good for me? Exercise? Salad? Sunshine?

Anyway, the bottom line is this: I was not worried about being off the Cymbalta for those 2 weeks. Nor was afraid of depression or addiction. I was worried about the $90 fucking dollars I spent on half a months worth of an RX!!!!
Hugs,SubMom