I have the "poor me's" today....

You have no idea how I am struggling these past few days. The lack of self-confidence that was not present while using is really f*cking with me. The mental anguish and guilt I am feeling because of my lack of knowing how to do anything and not having a clue of where to begin has overwhelmed me to the point of terrified tears and self-loathing. (And a BIG dose of the “poor me’s” I might add.
WHERE do I start? HOW do I start? WHEN will it hit me? HOW will I ever believe that I was NOT lazy and worthless, but embroiled in a battle of addiction and preoccupied with where my next fix was coming from.
Being a product of Suboxone recovery didn’t help me with any of that. For that time on the Sub’s my fear of relapse was so strong that I totally dropped the ball, that ball being my life.
I’m just so confused and scared I can no longer concentrate on the simplest of tasks.
Thanks for letting me “share”….

The above was a comment I just posted on http://www.whatwinnersdo.com/

And DUUUUH, it occurred to me…..Rather than waste HER space with my long ass comment, I’ll just come home, here, to finish my thoughts and my fears……

So to continue: Really, is the Cymbalta NOT working? Because my deep depression episodes just come at me from behind. They have no mercy on my heart, nor my soul. I have my doc appointment on March 4th, so being the lazy person I believe I am, I figured, why bother him now? Surely he has bigger fish to fry than dealing with a manic lunatic. Why do I get to the point where I don’t feel that my struggles are not more important that someone else’s?

I think that bottlecappie was right in a way. I don’t think that the stopping Suboxone necessarily threw me into this depression. However, I do feel that perhaps the Sub’s were masking the depression all that time. And before that it was the oxy’s, and before that the percs, vicodins, etc. And much earlier on, it was alcohol…… And for those earlier struggles with alcohol, I couldn’t be more thankful. Because I found out early on, through the rooms of AA, that I AM worth something. I am not lazy. I am not ugly. I am not a scumbag. I am not a bad mother, daughter, wife, sister.

I am just sick.

So, I guess my question is this; WHY CAN’T I CONTINUE TO HAVE THAT FAITH THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON? WHY DO I THROW MYSELF UNDER EVERY FUCKING TRAIN? WHY CAN’T I HOLD ON TO THE POSITIVE FOR LONGER THAN TWO DAYS IN A ROW?

*sigh*