Just A Glimpse

I started my new meds on Wednesday, and so far, no difference. I know, I know, it takes time.... But I really feel so worthless.

I have decided to accompany Tim to his parents this afternoon. I have been avoiding going outside as though the grim reaper is awaiting my departure from this house. Since his parents only live a few miles from us, I figured I would be close enough in case my anxiety kicks in.

So as I write this post, delaying our journey, he is pacing in the other room. He knows full well that it takes every bit of my energy just to decide to go out, let alone actually GO out. But he is being wonderful (as usual). He is the most patient man, and most supportive of these insanities.

I have suffered from depression from as long as I can remember. I began meds in 1995 when my Mom was in the final stages of her battle with cancer. I had resisted meds up until that point, but at the insistence of my therapist (who was sure I would not make it thru her death without something) I began Zoloft.

So that is what I have been on (and off of) for the past 11 years. Perhaps in the beginning of the medication I felt some small difference. But over the years and the increasing of dosages never seemed to do what I thought it should. I still got stuck in these indoor, bed confined, foggy ruts. With always that light though. Always the knowledge of it getting better eventually. But this time, its so different. I'm stuck. I know where I am with all of it, I know what I should do, yet I cannot seem to do anything about it. Kinda like paralyzed. Wanting to walk, knowing how to walk, and feeling the sensation in my legs, yet not being able to get up. Does that make sense to anyone besides myself?

Because when I try to explain this to "normal" people, they just tell me to "PUSH" myself. "SHAKE IT OFF". Or else I get the 'ol "And what do you have to be depressed about?". God, I HATE THAT!!!!

Well I have held Tim off long enough. Wish me luck as venture into the smallest glimpse of sunlight I see.