Revelation

Ever since I began to keep a journal, I realized that my depression is a lot more serious than I ever thought. Because I am able to look back on previous posts, I notice how much of my life is a roller coaster of emotions. Up or down. Never just in between, living life "normally" (what ever the fuck "normal" means). Because I have never known normal. I have known the extremes of my emotions, but never truly enjoyed the ride.

But what I most have realized is that since I have stopped the Suboxone treatment, my depression BOTHERS me.

I am positive my life before Suboxone was just as extreme, with the "lows" being the predominant emotion. But then, when I discovered opiates, they took my emotions, along with my energies to a new level of "high". I was energized like never before; I was SUPERWOMAN!! I could scrub my house from top to bottom in no time flat, have the laundry done and actually PUT AWAY! Dinner was on the table, with an outing on our agenda for afterwards. And when everyone was tucked into bed all snuggly and warm, I would just keep going and going and going.........

Until that fateful day when I realized that it was taking more money in one day in order to get that wonderous feeling than I could possibly make in a week. Why the arithmetic didn't add up until that day, I will never know. I guess I just kept shoving the insanity away until it came to the point where I could no longer feed my family or put gas in my car. I mean, I certainly could scrounge up enough for an oxy or two, but buying groceries was OUT OF THE QUESTION!

And during Suboxone treatment the depression was definately there. Right up front, out in the open. BUT!!! And a big BUT here: I didn't care that I was depressed. Maybe because I was just so grateful not to be using? Or maybe I was just so fearful of using again I focused all of my attention on just surviving day to day bullshit without using?

What I often struggle with is my forced recovery. And no, I don't wanna use. But seriously, would I have EVER thought to quit the oxy's if I had an unlimited supply of money? Or, better yet, if I had the keys to every pharmacy within a 30 mile radius of my house. And along with those keys came the permission to just "help myself" whenever I needed to? Sadly, but more importantly, HONESTLY, the answer is probably a big NO!

No, I would not have quit taking them. I would have just kept on "upping" my dose as needed. And in "upping" that dose, I realize that today, I would probably be dead. I know that. So that is why I choose not to use, just for today........