SuboxoneMom

If you have never heard of Suboxone, chances are you don't belong here.........

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Revelation


Ever since I began to keep a journal, I realized that my depression is a lot more serious than I ever thought. Because I am able to look back on previous posts, I notice how much of my life is a roller coaster of emotions. Up or down. Never just in between, living life "normally" (what ever the fuck "normal" means). Because I have never known normal. I have known the extremes of my emotions, but never truly enjoyed the ride.




But what I most have realized is that since I have stopped the Suboxone treatment, my depression BOTHERS me.




I am positive my life before Suboxone was just as extreme, with the "lows" being the predominant emotion. But then, when I discovered opiates, they took my emotions, along with my energies to a new level of "high". I was energized like never before; I was SUPERWOMAN!! I could scrub my house from top to bottom in no time flat, have the laundry done and actually PUT AWAY! Dinner was on the table, with an outing on our agenda for afterwards. And when everyone was tucked into bed all snuggly and warm, I would just keep going and going and going.........




Until that fateful day when I realized that it was taking more money in one day in order to get that wonderous feeling than I could possibly make in a week. Why the arithmetic didn't add up until that day, I will never know. I guess I just kept shoving the insanity away until it came to the point where I could no longer feed my family or put gas in my car. I mean, I certainly could scrounge up enough for an oxy or two, but buying groceries was OUT OF THE QUESTION!




And during Suboxone treatment the depression was definately there. Right up front, out in the open. BUT!!! And a big BUT here: I didn't care that I was depressed. Maybe because I was just so grateful not to be using? Or maybe I was just so fearful of using again I focused all of my attention on just surviving day to day bullshit without using?




What I often struggle with is my forced recovery. And no, I don't wanna use. But seriously, would I have EVER thought to quit the oxy's if I had an unlimited supply of money? Or, better yet, if I had the keys to every pharmacy within a 30 mile radius of my house. And along with those keys came the permission to just "help myself" whenever I needed to? Sadly, but more importantly, HONESTLY, the answer is probably a big NO!




No, I would not have quit taking them. I would have just kept on "upping" my dose as needed. And in "upping" that dose, I realize that today, I would probably be dead. I know that. So that is why I choose not to use, just for today........

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4 Comments:

At March 25, 2008 at 11:10 PM , Blogger Darla said...

Depression is such a tough one. I have no words of advice except to hang in there and believe that this too shall pass....

(HUGS)

 
At April 1, 2008 at 7:46 PM , Blogger erinsav said...

As an outsider looking in through your posts I just wanted to remind you that even though Suboxone treatment is considered part of recovery...you were still on mood altering drugs.

I don't say this to point out that you went about this the wrong way or anything of that nature. I'm just pointing out the fact that you still had something in your system that changed your mood.

I know that when I first became totally drug free everything seemed great for a little while. Then the novelty wore off and I was left with a panicky realization that I didn't feel great...hell I didn't even feel good.

I was unable to do anything around my house which was causing a lot of problems between my husband and myself. As time went on (unfortunately I have to tell you that it was like 5 or 6 months)I began to notice that I was feeling better, stronger, more confident, more ambitious than I had in...well, ever.

The point of my rant is to tell you to just hold on. It will only get better if you just keep doing what you are doing. Hang in!

 
At April 1, 2008 at 7:48 PM , Blogger erinsav said...

One more thing...the The Suboxone Help Spot is back up and running AT LAST!

 
At April 12, 2008 at 9:59 PM , Blogger joy said...

I love dropping by and reading your posts. You give me a different perspective on addiction than what I get from my husband's experiences with his drug(s) of choice, and it's interesting to see...I learn more about him through seeing other ways that addicts behave, both while sick and in recovery. Thank you for your honesty and insight.

 

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