So SEX is the answer for most of my problems, huh?

So check this one out! I found the answer to most of my problems..... And I say "most" because it doesn't seem to mention the insanity factor!

But I did email this article to my significant other, btw. Because if it were up to him, I'd have cobwebs by now.

Anyhoo, a little background if you care to be in the know:

Tim and I have been together almost 8 years. Before him, sex was NEVER an interest to me, except in the onset of a new relationship. I didn't know any better. I was married for the first time at 22 and had my first child at 24. I was divorced by the time I was 26 or 27.

Next came husband #2. A real charmer. He should have been a male model, really! During our tumultuous relationship, my Mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She passed away within months of that diagnosis. It was a very scary time for me. I shudder just thinking about those days of sadness and dread.

So after my Mom died, I married the gorgeous, non-working cheater. Throughout our entire relationship we were both in AA. So I thought. Until one day when I got this reall creepy feeling that something was amiss. I left work and went home at lunch time. To this day I cannot tell you what led me upstairs, into our walk in closet. I began checking his old fireman's uniforms. Old meaning 10 or 11 years old. And that is when I found the empty bottles. DOZENS of them! Since I had been in recovery at this point for 6+ years, I didn't even know what some of those liquors were. For instance, Zima came out after I sobered up. And until today, I have NEVER tasted a flavored Vodka. NEVER!

I lined the bottle up on along the bed and went back to work. Hurt, angry, confused, heartbroken, and so sad. What did I do? I joined in his madness and drinking along side him within 2 months. After all the preaching and crying and begging, my disease won out. So I drank for the next year, month and 18 days (to be exact), stopped drinking and divorced husband #2. Not because he MADE me drink, not because of drinking at all. But once you took away AA, and theee added alcohol, took the alcohol away, we had nothing left. All of our commons practices were now gone. Except the 14 month old, blue eyed, always smiling, light of my life. We had a son. So now I'm divorced TWICE, two boys aged 10 years apart, and scared out of my mind.

Then came my Tim. A biker. Long hair, bandanna, chains, boots, and tatoos on every part of his anatomy that showed, and some parts you'll never see! Everyone in my family, social circles, and even strangers thought I lost my f-ing mind! But I instantly fell in honest to God, true love, that first night we hung out together. It was not the first time I saw him, but I never quite acknowledged him. We were thrown together in situations like oil and water. He stayed on his side of the invisible line for his reasons, and I stayed on my side becasue...well...biker dudes scared the hell out of me.

And then one day we talked. And talked and talked and talked. We didn't officially start seeing each other till weeks later. But imagine my surprise when he recited what I was wearing the very first time he saw me in that first social scene? My heart was bursting, my mind was scrambled, and I was a goner...... He had me, right then and there, without question.

Now, our sex life started off with the usual fireworks you see when you first start sleeping with someone. And those fireworks can still be seen today, only too infrequently for me. After 7 years, I still want him. Always......

On the other hand, he is not the healthiest person. He has epilepsy (under complete control with meds since 2003), he has HepC, treated for over a year, remission and returned. His Dad was diagnosed with cancer December of 2006 and began an awful decline in October. So he does have his excuses mind you.

But I do get annoyed. Why is that? Am I normal? I want sex more than 4 times a month? He makes me feel like I'm a nymphomaniac. Just what I need....ANOTHER label right?

So I began some research about how often, single, married, over 40's engage in sex. And I AM NORMAL IN THAT DEPARTMENT. Gotta be thankful for small favors......

But I did come across this little diddy and thought I'd share it with you. Because maybe you will feel as I do. Most of your ailments, problems, illness and selfconfidence could be restored too!

Check this out!!!!

What are the scientific reasons for having sex?
By Dr Stephen Juan
Published Friday 6th October 2006 11:10 GMT

Sex helps boost the immune system.

According to Dr Carl Charnetski of the Department of Psychology at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, people who reported one or two sexual "episodes" per week enjoyed higher levels of Immunoglobin A. This is an antibody that helps fight disease.

Sex increases longevity.

In one study cited by Dr Charnetski, men who had more orgasms over a 10 year period boosted their longevity compared with those who had fewer.
Sex helps ward off cancer. In another study cited by Dr Charnetski, men who had more ejaculations over a 35 year period had 33 per cent less prostate cancer compared to those with fewer ejaculations.

Sex results in a more youthful appearance.

According to a study by Dr David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland and co-author of Superyoung (1999), men and women who reported having sex an average of four times per week looked approximately 10 years younger than they really were.

Sex helps reduce stress.

Numerous studies show that it does this through lowering anxiety levels, boosting relaxation, and aiding sleeping.

Sex helps fight depression.

A study by Dr Gordon Gallup of the Department of Psychology at the State University of New York at Albany found that women who regularly engage in heterosexual sex in which they come in contact with semen were significantly less depressed than those women that did not. he causal relationship is unclear. Dr Gallup speculates that "possibly because when absorbed through the vagina, semen may have an effect on mood in women". However, Dr Gallup is quick to point out: "Regardless of the findings, this study does not advocate that people abstain from using condoms. Protecting oneself from an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease is far more important."

Sex helps coping with middle age.

This is the inference drawn from research by Dr GA Bachmann at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Brunswick, New Jersey and published first in 1995 in the International Journal of Fertility and Menopausal Studies and continuing in The Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2006.

Sex is good exercise.

Exercise helps circulation, lowers cholesterol, and releases helpful endorphins.

Sex helps in losing weight.

Well, at least a little. One burns approximately four to five calories per minute or perhaps 300 calories per hour during sex (depending upon how, shall we say, "vigorous" the sex is). About 7,000 to 8,000 excess calories must be burned to lose one kilogram of fat (3,500 to lose one pound). You do the calculations.

Stephen Juan, Ph.D. is an anthropologist at the University of Sydney.

Hugs To You..........

You guys (girls only, really) are just the best! Your comments, emails and worrying gave me the warm fuzzies all over! Thank you sooooo much! I feel loved, if only cyber-ly!

I have been doing so well, it’s scary…… Meds must have kicked in somewhat I guess, cuz I did a whole lot of stuff I have been avoiding. I have only scraped the surface of course, but its progress, right? I still had a hard time getting motivated, and became paralyzed upon trying to complete certain tasks…..but I still succeeded somewhat in completing some!

By being so busy and returning to work from lay-off, I was extremely exhausted. Funny thing is I had no desire to nap when I got home from work. Just felt blah, and lazy. But I trudged onward and did a few things around my house too! Okay, so the laundry hasn’t been touched since November! Gimme some slack, will ya? Tim has been a Godsend and the perfect laundry mistress. He just does the necessities, but it has helped me a great deal.

Don’t get me wrong, I attempted to do it several times over the past 3 days, But every time I started to walk into the laundry room my heart would begin beating really fast and the walls started to close in. I hate when that happens……..

I have no kids this weekend, so I even worked today for some OT. Now I’m waiting for my girlfriend to come over. We’re just gonna hang and have some good ‘ole fashioned girl talk.

In AA they talk about walking into the woods for miles and miles. Just like drinking for years and years. Just because you have decided to quit drinking (coming out of the woods) doesn’t mean you’ll be out of the woods right away. It took you miles (years) to get where you are, so it will take time to get back out of those woods. The point is that I have decided to TURN AROUND and leave the woods. It will take time, I know. But I am praying that I have turned around and started heading out of that fucking forest! One step at a time I guess. God I hate to excersise!

And by the way, because of all the blogs I have read (most listed right over there)-------->
I realized something truly amazing this past month. I have never been alone in my struggles. I just didn’t know you were out there! Seriously, I really never “shared” with anyone my fears and anxieties because when I tried to, people could never identify with those feelings. They just looked at me like I was nuts. And maybe I am, but if so, that’s okay too. Because I know that I have plenty of company. An entire tree full of nuts, if you will…..LOL!

Side Note: In the beginning of this post I said guys (meaning girls) which is really saying that it is only women that respond to me. What words can I post to assure some male readers? Oh! Wait …… I know! Sex, pussy, suck, fuck, lesbian, twosome, threesome, foursome…… kidding. Don’t need any male company. I live with an entire house FULL of men! I need you ladies, really I do!

((((Hugs to every one of you!))))

The Road To Suboxone....Part I

I have been in 12-step recovery programs for as far back as I can remember. That may have something to do with the black-outs I experienced before the meetings…..

I am, what some call, “A duel addicted alcoholic”. I just find myself addicted to most things that start off feeling/tasting good. And the end result is always the same. Insanity from the latest addiction…

When will I learn? (Like a man), if he/it seems to be too good to be true, it usually IS too good to be true. Yet I still find myself searching…..for the simplest escape route, fastest exit and easier and softer way to live this life of mine.

I found AA at the ripe old age of 29, on August 29th, 1992. Married for 2 years to a “home-town” boy, and trying to mother a 3 year old with a hangover on more days than not.

Although alcoholics have different episodes and dramas in their “alco-log”, we are all bound by the same feelings of one or more of the following:

· Feeling like a square peg in a round hole, never quite fitting in anywhere.
· Surrounded by friends/family, yet always feeling so alone.
· Being the life of the party, only having to rely on the memories of
others because our memories were never “quite” lucid.
· Need to shut our phones off and close all shades/blinds for fear of the outside world.
· Adult children of one or more alcoholics.
· As we are taking our first sip, chug or swig, promising not to blackout…..

only to wake up the following day somewhere we cannot recognize…..

*Please feel free to add/edit the above attempt to explain the life and feelings of at least this before recovery*

So after 7 years in recovery, one divorce behind me, and a second marriage approaching quickly, I decided I no longer needed AA. My life was so perfect at this point, there was no way I could be an alcoholic.

So after giving birth to my second child (10 years after having my first), I once again jumped back on that road to nowhere, the long twisting spiral of my alcoholism. I stayed out there, drinking, and seeming to think I had it all together, for about a year. Until I woke up 2000 miles away, in a hotel, with my 2 children. No memory of how I got there, or why I ended in up in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. at all!
(*note – til this day, I still do not know)

So back into AA I jumped, with both feet. Only it was different the second time around. I no longer had that “hunger” for sobriety. That thirst for knowledge and living sober I had 8 years prior to this point……

But you see, there was a reason for not “wanting” it bad enough….. Honesty.

Although I had stopped drinking, I was still taking these wonderful prescription drugs my doctor had given me. Believe it or not, my obgyn was still prescribing percocet for a c-section I had a year earlier!! Wasn’t that awesome? I was getting a quantity of 120 every 2 weeks for pain from the stitches/staples that I could no longer remember having.

So when that oh! So wonderful doctor left that practice, she forgot to leave me a forwarding addy!! So, like the dope I became, I made an appointment with one of the other doc’s in the same practice. Needless to say, he nearly fell off his chair when I told him why I was there. “I just need my usual script, doc. And I’ll be on my way.”

I left without an Rx, but the insanity was instantaneous! Did I think I could be addicted? I could not have thought about it, because I had no reason to question it. That’s just being honest. As long as I was being a productive human being, not drinking and continuing to take my percocet, I did not even consider the addiction. Why would I? I was getting them legally, right? And they were being paid for by my drug insurance company.
Life was good.

Until that day…when that scumbag doctor decided to cut me off! What was he thinking? Taking me off percocets when my other doctor seemed to know I needed them.

That day began my 4 year battle of opiate addiction. This addiction would take me to the bluest of skies and my happiest of times. But in between those clear and vivid memories of my opiate infused mind came the darkest of days and hottest of hells I would ever know…..Because those in between times came quicker and closer together. Those were the days of stealing, lying, cheating, all for my next pill. And within those days came screams of pain from the withdrawal that I hope to never feel again. My addiction to percocet graduated to good ‘ol oxycontin……quickly. Because oxy’s were just easier to get from the streets.

This journal I am writing is for my own benefit. It is to help my timeline my addictions and the eventual reason I am writing today. Depression. Major Depression. And my willingness, once again, to become teachable. I want to be “cured”. I want to want to live again. Really I do. But with the diagnosis I received today, along with the guilt and fear, came relief. A relief that perhaps I am not a lost cause….. Because today, I am more scared of this “depression” thing than I have ever been afraid of anything. Fearful and hopeful. Can that be?

I am trying so hard to believe.....